Battle scars

Whilst in the depths of a minor 'writers' block, where inspiration is hard to come by, there is one topic that I love to talk about : my tattoos

To some they are ugly, pointless, common, rebellious and most unsightly. For others they are an entire art form, a way to express individuality and generally just good fun.

For me, they are my battle scars. I have many other self inflicted scars on my body, which really don't look great to the general public, but these scars I can love and be proud of, these scars mark my survival.

Let me explain ... Many years ago when I was 18, fresh faced and (fairly) innocent, I wanted a way of  permanently marking that god was always with me no matter how deep the valley I had entered and couldn't seem to leave. So I got a Chinese symbol for gods spirit to reflect this, I only got this when I had left the valley, I only got then to reinforce the strength I had.

And thus a tradition began, every time I have been released from the shackles of depression, sooner or later I have got a new piece of art work to reflect this. These are all based on my own designs and ideas and as you can imagine they mean a lot.

To me they are a reminder that I can survive almost anything life throws at me. When the day comes where I inevitably fall back into the valley (and believe me I become close on a alarming basis), at least I will be carrying around some symbol of hope.

In the end I like to believe it is better to mark our achievements instead of our failures, for those who believe body art it pointless, its not for most, its a mark of remembrance for something importance, for me it is a lifeline.

I hope one day they will not be needed, i hope one day my tattoos will reflect marriage, love, family and contentment, buy for now at least i have tattoos to remind me to believe in that stuff!

Brilliance of early morning

Good morning to one an all x

This is my favourite time of day, the positive side of me sees each new sun rise as a new potential, and as yet nothing has ruined that.

30 mins later ....

Nothing so much as happened but my friend from up north, dick the brain devil, has woken up and is screaming 'why did you fucking do that'. Im quite sure i dont deserve this treatment so  am going to try and ignore him, silent treatment sometimes works right!

On the daily commute to work ... Always full of loud perky college students, and the not so perky adults who often plan to use this time as a thirty minute cat nap! I hate taking a bus for several reasons and therefore not the best set up for the day. The main two is the fact they are ALWAYS late ... My ocd cant deal with that and i always end up being overly paranoid im going to be late for work even though i always get there early! The second is that you lose all concept of personal space, or in that fact senerity.

These may seem like little things and maybe i should let them go, but then again i cant from worrying its going to happen all over again tomorrow.

Now that i have been moaning for five minutes and after a cheeky stare at the hot guy on the bus, feeling less like a ball of panic, more like a normalton.

Have also decided i am going to try a new approach to work today, if i cant control it then why worry about it. Let the 9 hours of immense stress that i cause myself go and just do what i can ... Will let you know how i get on later.

Dear a lost friend ...

I knew I would have to write this eventually, I knew this was going to hurt and that I would cry, and I knew this would have to be today, no matter how difficult.

Six months ago, I lost the one remaining friends I hadn't deterred through my insane actions. She was my best friend, she was a whirlwind, she understood me like many others cant. She was my best friend and she gave up on me.

The day that it all crashed and burned will always be with me, over time i hope it will hurt less, but for now, I still  find it incredibly hard to recall. It started so well, a nice day in the sunny new forest, wine (or course), good food and some great company with my bestie. the evening plan was to go to a mates house and relax for the evening. Now from what i recall, it was all going swimmingly, until about one in the morning, where the OAP in me fell asleep mid way through conversation (How Very Rude!). My bestie took offense to this and decided she wanted to go home, let me rephrase that, she wanted to drive home after two bottles of red wine. THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, NOT ON MY LIFE.

This was the start of the end, I chased her out into the street and tried to convince her that this was not a great idea! She was still determined, it had got to the point where I had to try and physically restrain her from getting in her car (I am not proud of my behaviour but needs must at the time). The result of this, is that she hit, scratched and punched me into submission, I still have the scars from this attack and not only mentally. I am not saying this is all her fault, in fact despite what my therapist says I will always take the blame, if only I had the control to behave myself. In saying that I am a peace with the fact I would rather have taken the pain than her get in the car and cause an immeasurable amount of pain to herself and others.

I think what haunts me the most, is the aftermath, she immediately cut ties and place the blame at my door, without even a apology, instead noting that it was inevitable. For me this means that her hate had been growing and I must be a horrible person. we see each other at work everyday and although it has got easier, it still hurts like crazy, we still connect and know what went on, surely this isn't healthy.

Today is her birthday and all i want, even now, is for her to be happy. I wonder if she thinks the same?

I get the impression she is, maybe that's because  i gave up everything to accommodate her, my friends, my hopes. I dont sit with my friends, because she knew them first, i dont go to social events, so that it won't be awkard. Everyday i still ask why i do this, i dont know, i know it needs to change, because i dont owe her anything. Maybe she happy, because she is without the burden that I bring.

I probably sound bitter and I'm sorry if this is the case, but I need to draw a line and let what happened go.
She is never going to be someone i can trust,  and as much as she helped me to get through the darkest days, in a way she also prolonged my suffering. I hate myself for what happened, and my depression has loved that.

I have now managed to distance myself from all  those that would give a fuck about how i am, problem with that is that it makes it easier to give up, no matter how much I fight everyday.

In conclusion, Happy Birthday to my lost friend, thanks for teaching me compassion, empathy, pain, love, laughter, fun, pain again, loss, acceptance, strength,acceptance and even happiness.

Onwards and upwards I say .... time to set sail on a new adventure  ... LuckyA247 xx

Kicking and Screaming

I am an adult to the very end, in fact I am a young aged pensioner! but some times and especially if you suffer from the mind controlling substance called depression, you need to throw your toys out of the pram and strop.

I did this at work today and am slightly ashamed about it but I cant feel enough to blame myself, I blame no one, it is just life. The last few days have been (for want of a stronger phrase) mind blowing crap, partly that is due to work and the nature of insurance and partly that is becaus the black clouds rolling in.

Most of my frustration has stemmed from being a perfectionist and the fear of not wanting to make a mistake. The other is that no matter what I do, I cant seem to get rid of this depressive opinion that either things will not work out right and that I will always be the fall guy for this. This may not be realistic but that's the game we play.

So on to the strop, a result of several months of frustration, the thought that why do I bother when others don't care, was late going home for the hundred time (and when i say late, average is about 20+ (no pay!) minutes) and I just had enough. I should of been out of there, but my stupid brain told me to stay to deal with something, even though I was only ask to do a small favour two hour previous. Do I just admit defeat, no but do others, yeah, so why do I bother?

I bother because as much as my depression brings me down, the very nature of it also has pride and wants to make sure its in control, no matter what the situation. its almost like being a duck, your feet may be flapping wildly under water trying not to succumb to the dark murky waters, but on top your look serine and in control,  that is until you are disturb enough to react and show your sinister side.

My sinister side has showed in the last few days but maybe that's a good thing, and her is why:

a - I can recognise that I am falling prey to my darker depression and need to act
b - I still shows I care in the smallest corner of my mind

and c - when you get that clue that is too loud to ignore, you know yourself and where your at for once in your life.

I know it is easy to express it on here, because lets face it who is going to sit up and take notice, but i think what has caused me to question the point, does anyone care? I tried talk to a superior at work, who knows my history, and lets just say she was 'busy' (i.e. not up for another dreary talk about my crap). I tried to talk to someone else, just saying I was stressed was told, ' your actually quite lucky in the scheme of things and it just about changing how to you think, and you can do that, its not too hard'. 

yeah cause really I have been accepting this depression for nearly 13 years and its really easy to snap out of it. Depression is not a choice and as much as I or anyone tries, the perspective of the suffering within the world doesn't come into account at that moment   (that said, of course I am not ignorant enough to not know that there are many millions who suffer more ). Of course I am aware of the world's suffering, and i wish that would stop but comparing my battles does not work, not because its is worse because it is a completely different entity. 

                             

My point, I guess, is that I can go down kicking and screaming, I could go down silent with no one knowing and really the person who would suffer the most is me. Others would be relieved, others would think, it was inevitable, others would get over it. but with each mistake or unstable step I take, the more I wonder if I am ever heading to the yellow brick road to find a heart, brain or courage. 

Full steam ahead ..... crash bang wallop .... pain

Afternoon all, 

I just started watching an episode of without a trace and realised it was skipping, thus making me unaware of some important context, thus making me confused about what is going on and where the missing person is! 

Then I realised what a neat metaphor this is to life,if you skip ahead you miss out, and worst 
of all you don't know where you are or where you meant to be going. 

I tend to skip ahead, or try to at the earliest opportunity but I tend to end up failing big style. What i don't like taking is baby steps, I never see the point until it is too late. maybe it is just that I think I should be able to handle going full throttle without the need of a brake and crash mat. This is what 'happy, normal and carefree' people can do right? Problem is... I can't do this, and not really sure I ever will be able to. 

So these are the options I  generally take a) a don't go at all in fear of failure (this fear is overwhelming) or b) or I will go a million miles an hour and then crash and burn at the first sign of trouble. This is the option I would like to take - going at a steady speed, probably just over the  speed limit and achieve to my potential, if I gain happiness, love and some resemblance of normality along the way, that would be just lovely. 

All the times I have dived right into a challenge, I meet a snake and slide down the path of darkness. all the time I do this, I miss out on learning about life and finding ways of coping with it. I hate that I do this, because now i am clueless, I've missed some context and don't know how to fill the gaps. 

I'm going to have to start again, and this time take one step at a time, if I cant do this, I am never going to accept what I deserve, I'm never going to leave my black cloud behind. 



If anyone has any ideas of how to do this, please let me know!

Thanks

LuckyA247 xx

I very aware of how this may sound but I really miss alcohol!

I very aware of how this may sound but I really miss alcohol!

Apart from the glass of wine I had last night, I haven’t had much in the last couple of weeks, and I have noticed a few changes.

Yes I have lost weight (woo hoo, now the size of a baby hippo instead of its mum), but I have also lost the numbing affect it has when your brain goes into melt down. It does tend to have a marvellous quieting ability to make the commentary relent, and ease my anxiety.

                             

Today, I have been too worried, checking things constantly, for example my bank account 15 times, I am expecting money, not going completely gaga. I've been thinking my taps have been on, and they have haven’t, been worrying that I will be found out by work and you guys that I am a fraud! Worrying that everything will fall apart and feeling guilty that I can’t prevent it. All stupidity I know …

And I know that this is not quite the reality and in the long run alcohol doesn't help, but sitting here now, after having a day where I couldn't leave the flat, my mind Is expose to a water flow f feelings and thoughts I can normal avoid.

Feeling quite venerable right now, I hate this sense of insecurity, I will get through I always do, but I guess I’m a little fed up of needing a numbing agent at all.

Nobody is normal, but some do get by without hiding from themselves.

Never mind, it is pay day tomorrow and just because I can, I might treat myself to a bottle!

                                       

Have a feeling, nothing is ever going to change… black clouds always rolling in. 

Introduction to a friend of mine

Evening all, 

Now I don't know if it is because I'm tired or have been sober for a few days but my ability to ignore my most faithful companion has been decreasing dramatically. 

This guy, lets call him Dick, live in my brain and provides a constant opinion of what is going on. If he thinks I'm wrong, he will let me know no matter how great I'm feeling. Today has been a perfect example,  I was at work for double pay, via a 5 mile bike ride, and its quiet. I am delighted by this, as the less i hear about damage to houses all over the country, the better. So i carry on with my days work, and by the end, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, once of my most productive days ever. However 20 minutes later, my head is in the gutter, thinking how rubbish I really am. I know this makes no sense, but when does it ever? 

Yes I'm not in a great mood, but it has been building. Dick really is my brain devil. he is quite clever, very manipulating and controlling. If I have the slightest doubt, Dick will multiple it a thousand time until I am convinced I am not good enough and really shouldn't be here. He tells me to accept the pain as I deserve it and really should just be used to it by now,I fight this but he is stronger than me. 

Why can't i just tell him to go jump off a cliff, like he tells me, don't worry I have no intention of doing this, thankfully I have built up some resistance to his sneaky ways. I try to resist his irresistible charm, 
he just knows me too well, he knows I hate to fail, he knows I hate myself. 

But what he doesn't know is that I am determined to change, and what he doesn't want is for me to be  honest. 

I have played Dick's games for far too long, I AM REBELLING, maybe it is time to be honest, maybe it will help:

A deep breath, big panic, glass of wine (now not sober!) later ... 

One of my counsellors once said, and I quote ' I know you like to sit with the negative, but ..'
there is no but, the negative makes it easier not to expect. the negative make it easier to accept that when i 
look in the mirror, its normal to want to chop my head off. And while its horrible to have a massive fear of failure, it you don't set yourself up, you cant fall down, leading to dead end central!

To be really honest, its not Dicks fault at all, its mine. I start to think I am back to coping  and I am ok, compared to shitty, f***ing miserable, which is my baseline,so i stop taking my meds (6 weeks now, not good I know). The result is this blog,  meaning  I have loss a small battle, on a better note I will not lose the war. 

And to be really really honest, I think it worst when you know what you should be doing to win the war , but you cant quite get there. 

Well wasn't that a bit of a dizzying experience from one extreme to the other, would like to end this on a positive note, if the devils play field is an idle mind, I really have no problem ! 

thanks guys for reading this shit, take care, love to all

x LuckyA247 x 

Change ... Great for the world, bad for me??

CHANGE … GREAT FOR THE WORLD, BAD FOR ME??

Hi,

This is my first ever blog, and I can say I nervous as hell, I am not prone to sharing my thoughts, in fact I’m known to be fiercely independent and withdrawn. But I think if I can share, not only would it be cathartic but also may help fellow humans!

So an introduction to the chaotic minefield of a life, I am a 27, single, fat, sarcastic, realistic, depressed, really an entirely normal women. I take pleasure in having love, compassion and belief in others, I also enjoy watching all sports, alcohol, reading and my favourite activity is world watching (it’s like people watching with the added benefit of modern technology!)

The point of the blog, is to provide a unique view into the world, if you’re looking for something to remind you constantly of how good life is, you may need to read the titles of my blogs before reading.

*** DISCLAIMER, I AM NATURALLY NEGATIVE AND SEE THE DARK SIDE OFTEN…IF THIS AFFECTS YOU PLEASE GO TO YOUTUBE AND WATCH CUTE KITTENS (IT IS A GREAT REMEDY) ***

Time for thought of day: First of all, I should really invest in a new laptop; it’s taken me 60 mins to be able to write this, due to my archaic Microsoft program! But this did get me thinking……

In life it is easier to stick with what we know, easier to maintain status quo instead of taking a risk to change for the better. I am a prime example, I have to admit, I hate change, it unnerves me, make me grumpy and sends me into a what if spiral. What if, it makes my moods worse? What if, I fail? What if I’m not good enough, what if it’s a mistake,  what if?

What if the world took this approach? Thankfully there are some that do not, there are those leading lights that show the way to go, there are some who see over the daily shit and find ways to find the green grass. This people have changed the world, these people are often forgotten.

If we all stuck to what we know, life would not have changed since ancient history! We would not have the freedom we take for granted, we would not have the modern technology we rely on, we would be living a life based on survival of the fittest. Instead we live a life that is both liberating but also dangerous, with more possessions, come more greed, more money equals more pride and hunger, more control unfortunately means more people being left behind. 

But change can also be the catalyst to amazing transformations of society and for this reason, despite my resistance; we need to do our best while working for an even brighter future. Hope and belief is key, but as a realistic this is not the easiest things to do, so if you can’t, just remember it will come. Those who suffer, are those who create miracles, because we see where change is needed, we see the shit of the world, we know what desperation feels like, we know what is needed to keep others from pain (P.S THIS MEANS WE ARE AWESOME!!)

Overall, we have to embrace change, because we cannot stand in the way of progression, but it does make life so much more complicated and creates more pitfalls for us mere mortals to trip over. These pitfalls (which I am so very good at falling into) are the challenges we face, these pitfalls are life, and between you and me, if at the each day you are alive and have something to smile about you are doing just great.

Ok, first (Rant) blog over, obviously when I write it is my perspective but I love a good discussion, if you have a difference of opinion or what to add your truth, free speech rules x LuckyA247 x