I very aware of how this may sound but I really miss alcohol!
Apart from the glass of wine I had last night, I haven’t had
much in the last couple of weeks, and I have noticed a few changes.
Yes I have lost weight (woo hoo, now the size of a baby hippo
instead of its mum), but I have also lost the numbing affect it has when your
brain goes into melt down. It does tend to have a marvellous quieting ability
to make the commentary relent, and ease my anxiety.
Today, I have been too worried, checking things constantly,
for example my bank account 15 times, I am expecting money, not going completely
gaga. I've been thinking my taps have been on, and they have haven’t, been
worrying that I will be found out by work and you guys that I am a fraud! Worrying
that everything will fall apart and feeling guilty that I can’t prevent it. All
stupidity I know …
And I know that this is not quite the reality and in
the long run alcohol doesn't help, but sitting here now, after having a day
where I couldn't leave the flat, my mind Is expose to a water flow f feelings and thoughts I can normal avoid.
Feeling quite venerable right
now, I hate this sense of insecurity, I will get through I always do, but I guess
I’m a little fed up of needing a numbing agent at all.
Nobody is normal, but some do get
by without hiding from themselves.
Never mind, it is pay day
tomorrow and just because I can, I might treat myself to a bottle!
Have a feeling, nothing is ever going to change… black clouds
always rolling in.
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