I knew I would have to write this eventually, I knew this was going to hurt and that I would cry, and I knew this would have to be today, no matter how difficult.
Six months ago, I lost the one remaining friends I hadn't deterred through my insane actions. She was my best friend, she was a whirlwind, she understood me like many others cant. She was my best friend and she gave up on me.
The day that it all crashed and burned will always be with me, over time i hope it will hurt less, but for now, I still find it incredibly hard to recall. It started so well, a nice day in the sunny new forest, wine (or course), good food and some great company with my bestie. the evening plan was to go to a mates house and relax for the evening. Now from what i recall, it was all going swimmingly, until about one in the morning, where the OAP in me fell asleep mid way through conversation (How Very Rude!). My bestie took offense to this and decided she wanted to go home, let me rephrase that, she wanted to drive home after two bottles of red wine. THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, NOT ON MY LIFE.
This was the start of the end, I chased her out into the street and tried to convince her that this was not a great idea! She was still determined, it had got to the point where I had to try and physically restrain her from getting in her car (I am not proud of my behaviour but needs must at the time). The result of this, is that she hit, scratched and punched me into submission, I still have the scars from this attack and not only mentally. I am not saying this is all her fault, in fact despite what my therapist says I will always take the blame, if only I had the control to behave myself. In saying that I am a peace with the fact I would rather have taken the pain than her get in the car and cause an immeasurable amount of pain to herself and others.
I think what haunts me the most, is the aftermath, she immediately cut ties and place the blame at my door, without even a apology, instead noting that it was inevitable. For me this means that her hate had been growing and I must be a horrible person. we see each other at work everyday and although it has got easier, it still hurts like crazy, we still connect and know what went on, surely this isn't healthy.
Today is her birthday and all i want, even now, is for her to be happy. I wonder if she thinks the same?
I get the impression she is, maybe that's because i gave up everything to accommodate her, my friends, my hopes. I dont sit with my friends, because she knew them first, i dont go to social events, so that it won't be awkard. Everyday i still ask why i do this, i dont know, i know it needs to change, because i dont owe her anything. Maybe she happy, because she is without the burden that I bring.
I probably sound bitter and I'm sorry if this is the case, but I need to draw a line and let what happened go.
She is never going to be someone i can trust, and as much as she helped me to get through the darkest days, in a way she also prolonged my suffering. I hate myself for what happened, and my depression has loved that.
I have now managed to distance myself from all those that would give a fuck about how i am, problem with that is that it makes it easier to give up, no matter how much I fight everyday.
In conclusion, Happy Birthday to my lost friend, thanks for teaching me compassion, empathy, pain, love, laughter, fun, pain again, loss, acceptance, strength,acceptance and even happiness.
Onwards and upwards I say .... time to set sail on a new adventure ... LuckyA247 xx
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