I did this at work today and am slightly ashamed about it but I cant feel enough to blame myself, I blame no one, it is just life. The last few days have been (for want of a stronger phrase) mind blowing crap, partly that is due to work and the nature of insurance and partly that is becaus the black clouds rolling in.
Most of my frustration has stemmed from being a perfectionist and the fear of not wanting to make a mistake. The other is that no matter what I do, I cant seem to get rid of this depressive opinion that either things will not work out right and that I will always be the fall guy for this. This may not be realistic but that's the game we play.
So on to the strop, a result of several months of frustration, the thought that why do I bother when others don't care, was late going home for the hundred time (and when i say late, average is about 20+ (no pay!) minutes) and I just had enough. I should of been out of there, but my stupid brain told me to stay to deal with something, even though I was only ask to do a small favour two hour previous. Do I just admit defeat, no but do others, yeah, so why do I bother?
I bother because as much as my depression brings me down, the very nature of it also has pride and wants to make sure its in control, no matter what the situation. its almost like being a duck, your feet may be flapping wildly under water trying not to succumb to the dark murky waters, but on top your look serine and in control, that is until you are disturb enough to react and show your sinister side.
My sinister side has showed in the last few days but maybe that's a good thing, and her is why:
a - I can recognise that I am falling prey to my darker depression and need to act
b - I still shows I care in the smallest corner of my mind
and c - when you get that clue that is too loud to ignore, you know yourself and where your at for once in your life.
I know it is easy to express it on here, because lets face it who is going to sit up and take notice, but i think what has caused me to question the point, does anyone care? I tried talk to a superior at work, who knows my history, and lets just say she was 'busy' (i.e. not up for another dreary talk about my crap). I tried to talk to someone else, just saying I was stressed was told, ' your actually quite lucky in the scheme of things and it just about changing how to you think, and you can do that, its not too hard'.
yeah cause really I have been accepting this depression for nearly 13 years and its really easy to snap out of it. Depression is not a choice and as much as I or anyone tries, the perspective of the suffering within the world doesn't come into account at that moment (that said, of course I am not ignorant enough to not know that there are many millions who suffer more ). Of course I am aware of the world's suffering, and i wish that would stop but comparing my battles does not work, not because its is worse because it is a completely different entity.
My point, I guess, is that I can go down kicking and screaming, I could go down silent with no one knowing and really the person who would suffer the most is me. Others would be relieved, others would think, it was inevitable, others would get over it. but with each mistake or unstable step I take, the more I wonder if I am ever heading to the yellow brick road to find a heart, brain or courage.
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