Full steam ahead ..... crash bang wallop .... pain

Afternoon all, 

I just started watching an episode of without a trace and realised it was skipping, thus making me unaware of some important context, thus making me confused about what is going on and where the missing person is! 

Then I realised what a neat metaphor this is to life,if you skip ahead you miss out, and worst 
of all you don't know where you are or where you meant to be going. 

I tend to skip ahead, or try to at the earliest opportunity but I tend to end up failing big style. What i don't like taking is baby steps, I never see the point until it is too late. maybe it is just that I think I should be able to handle going full throttle without the need of a brake and crash mat. This is what 'happy, normal and carefree' people can do right? Problem is... I can't do this, and not really sure I ever will be able to. 

So these are the options I  generally take a) a don't go at all in fear of failure (this fear is overwhelming) or b) or I will go a million miles an hour and then crash and burn at the first sign of trouble. This is the option I would like to take - going at a steady speed, probably just over the  speed limit and achieve to my potential, if I gain happiness, love and some resemblance of normality along the way, that would be just lovely. 

All the times I have dived right into a challenge, I meet a snake and slide down the path of darkness. all the time I do this, I miss out on learning about life and finding ways of coping with it. I hate that I do this, because now i am clueless, I've missed some context and don't know how to fill the gaps. 

I'm going to have to start again, and this time take one step at a time, if I cant do this, I am never going to accept what I deserve, I'm never going to leave my black cloud behind. 



If anyone has any ideas of how to do this, please let me know!

Thanks

LuckyA247 xx

I very aware of how this may sound but I really miss alcohol!

I very aware of how this may sound but I really miss alcohol!

Apart from the glass of wine I had last night, I haven’t had much in the last couple of weeks, and I have noticed a few changes.

Yes I have lost weight (woo hoo, now the size of a baby hippo instead of its mum), but I have also lost the numbing affect it has when your brain goes into melt down. It does tend to have a marvellous quieting ability to make the commentary relent, and ease my anxiety.

                             

Today, I have been too worried, checking things constantly, for example my bank account 15 times, I am expecting money, not going completely gaga. I've been thinking my taps have been on, and they have haven’t, been worrying that I will be found out by work and you guys that I am a fraud! Worrying that everything will fall apart and feeling guilty that I can’t prevent it. All stupidity I know …

And I know that this is not quite the reality and in the long run alcohol doesn't help, but sitting here now, after having a day where I couldn't leave the flat, my mind Is expose to a water flow f feelings and thoughts I can normal avoid.

Feeling quite venerable right now, I hate this sense of insecurity, I will get through I always do, but I guess I’m a little fed up of needing a numbing agent at all.

Nobody is normal, but some do get by without hiding from themselves.

Never mind, it is pay day tomorrow and just because I can, I might treat myself to a bottle!

                                       

Have a feeling, nothing is ever going to change… black clouds always rolling in. 

Introduction to a friend of mine

Evening all, 

Now I don't know if it is because I'm tired or have been sober for a few days but my ability to ignore my most faithful companion has been decreasing dramatically. 

This guy, lets call him Dick, live in my brain and provides a constant opinion of what is going on. If he thinks I'm wrong, he will let me know no matter how great I'm feeling. Today has been a perfect example,  I was at work for double pay, via a 5 mile bike ride, and its quiet. I am delighted by this, as the less i hear about damage to houses all over the country, the better. So i carry on with my days work, and by the end, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, once of my most productive days ever. However 20 minutes later, my head is in the gutter, thinking how rubbish I really am. I know this makes no sense, but when does it ever? 

Yes I'm not in a great mood, but it has been building. Dick really is my brain devil. he is quite clever, very manipulating and controlling. If I have the slightest doubt, Dick will multiple it a thousand time until I am convinced I am not good enough and really shouldn't be here. He tells me to accept the pain as I deserve it and really should just be used to it by now,I fight this but he is stronger than me. 

Why can't i just tell him to go jump off a cliff, like he tells me, don't worry I have no intention of doing this, thankfully I have built up some resistance to his sneaky ways. I try to resist his irresistible charm, 
he just knows me too well, he knows I hate to fail, he knows I hate myself. 

But what he doesn't know is that I am determined to change, and what he doesn't want is for me to be  honest. 

I have played Dick's games for far too long, I AM REBELLING, maybe it is time to be honest, maybe it will help:

A deep breath, big panic, glass of wine (now not sober!) later ... 

One of my counsellors once said, and I quote ' I know you like to sit with the negative, but ..'
there is no but, the negative makes it easier not to expect. the negative make it easier to accept that when i 
look in the mirror, its normal to want to chop my head off. And while its horrible to have a massive fear of failure, it you don't set yourself up, you cant fall down, leading to dead end central!

To be really honest, its not Dicks fault at all, its mine. I start to think I am back to coping  and I am ok, compared to shitty, f***ing miserable, which is my baseline,so i stop taking my meds (6 weeks now, not good I know). The result is this blog,  meaning  I have loss a small battle, on a better note I will not lose the war. 

And to be really really honest, I think it worst when you know what you should be doing to win the war , but you cant quite get there. 

Well wasn't that a bit of a dizzying experience from one extreme to the other, would like to end this on a positive note, if the devils play field is an idle mind, I really have no problem ! 

thanks guys for reading this shit, take care, love to all

x LuckyA247 x 

Change ... Great for the world, bad for me??

CHANGE … GREAT FOR THE WORLD, BAD FOR ME??

Hi,

This is my first ever blog, and I can say I nervous as hell, I am not prone to sharing my thoughts, in fact I’m known to be fiercely independent and withdrawn. But I think if I can share, not only would it be cathartic but also may help fellow humans!

So an introduction to the chaotic minefield of a life, I am a 27, single, fat, sarcastic, realistic, depressed, really an entirely normal women. I take pleasure in having love, compassion and belief in others, I also enjoy watching all sports, alcohol, reading and my favourite activity is world watching (it’s like people watching with the added benefit of modern technology!)

The point of the blog, is to provide a unique view into the world, if you’re looking for something to remind you constantly of how good life is, you may need to read the titles of my blogs before reading.

*** DISCLAIMER, I AM NATURALLY NEGATIVE AND SEE THE DARK SIDE OFTEN…IF THIS AFFECTS YOU PLEASE GO TO YOUTUBE AND WATCH CUTE KITTENS (IT IS A GREAT REMEDY) ***

Time for thought of day: First of all, I should really invest in a new laptop; it’s taken me 60 mins to be able to write this, due to my archaic Microsoft program! But this did get me thinking……

In life it is easier to stick with what we know, easier to maintain status quo instead of taking a risk to change for the better. I am a prime example, I have to admit, I hate change, it unnerves me, make me grumpy and sends me into a what if spiral. What if, it makes my moods worse? What if, I fail? What if I’m not good enough, what if it’s a mistake,  what if?

What if the world took this approach? Thankfully there are some that do not, there are those leading lights that show the way to go, there are some who see over the daily shit and find ways to find the green grass. This people have changed the world, these people are often forgotten.

If we all stuck to what we know, life would not have changed since ancient history! We would not have the freedom we take for granted, we would not have the modern technology we rely on, we would be living a life based on survival of the fittest. Instead we live a life that is both liberating but also dangerous, with more possessions, come more greed, more money equals more pride and hunger, more control unfortunately means more people being left behind. 

But change can also be the catalyst to amazing transformations of society and for this reason, despite my resistance; we need to do our best while working for an even brighter future. Hope and belief is key, but as a realistic this is not the easiest things to do, so if you can’t, just remember it will come. Those who suffer, are those who create miracles, because we see where change is needed, we see the shit of the world, we know what desperation feels like, we know what is needed to keep others from pain (P.S THIS MEANS WE ARE AWESOME!!)

Overall, we have to embrace change, because we cannot stand in the way of progression, but it does make life so much more complicated and creates more pitfalls for us mere mortals to trip over. These pitfalls (which I am so very good at falling into) are the challenges we face, these pitfalls are life, and between you and me, if at the each day you are alive and have something to smile about you are doing just great.

Ok, first (Rant) blog over, obviously when I write it is my perspective but I love a good discussion, if you have a difference of opinion or what to add your truth, free speech rules x LuckyA247 x