Evening all,
Now I don't know if it is because I'm tired or have been sober for a few days but my ability to ignore my most faithful companion has been decreasing dramatically.
This guy, lets call him Dick, live in my brain and provides a constant opinion of what is going on. If he thinks I'm wrong, he will let me know no matter how great I'm feeling. Today has been a perfect example, I was at work for double pay, via a 5 mile bike ride, and its quiet. I am delighted by this, as the less i hear about damage to houses all over the country, the better. So i carry on with my days work, and by the end, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, once of my most productive days ever. However 20 minutes later, my head is in the gutter, thinking how rubbish I really am. I know this makes no sense, but when does it ever?
Yes I'm not in a great mood, but it has been building. Dick really is my brain devil. he is quite clever, very manipulating and controlling. If I have the slightest doubt, Dick will multiple it a thousand time until I am convinced I am not good enough and really shouldn't be here. He tells me to accept the pain as I deserve it and really should just be used to it by now,I fight this but he is stronger than me.
Why can't i just tell him to go jump off a cliff, like he tells me, don't worry I have no intention of doing this, thankfully I have built up some resistance to his sneaky ways. I try to resist his irresistible charm,
he just knows me too well, he knows I hate to fail, he knows I hate myself. But what he doesn't know is that I am determined to change, and what he doesn't want is for me to be honest.
I have played Dick's games for far too long, I AM REBELLING, maybe it is time to be honest, maybe it will help:
A deep breath, big panic, glass of wine (now not sober!) later ...
One of my counsellors once said, and I quote ' I know you like to sit with the negative, but ..'
there is no but, the negative makes it easier not to expect. the negative make it easier to accept that when i
look in the mirror, its normal to want to chop my head off. And while its horrible to have a massive fear of failure, it you don't set yourself up, you cant fall down, leading to dead end central!
To be really honest, its not Dicks fault at all, its mine. I start to think I am back to coping and I am ok, compared to shitty, f***ing miserable, which is my baseline,so i stop taking my meds (6 weeks now, not good I know). The result is this blog, meaning I have loss a small battle, on a better note I will not lose the war.
And to be really really honest, I think it worst when you know what you should be doing to win the war , but you cant quite get there.
Well wasn't that a bit of a dizzying experience from one extreme to the other, would like to end this on a positive note, if the devils play field is an idle mind, I really have no problem !
thanks guys for reading this shit, take care, love to all
x LuckyA247 x
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