I am scared, at times alone, i am hurt but this can change, it will right?
Luckya247 - Full time basket case, part time human, the life of ....
Monday 23 February 2015
Moving on by accepting reality
I am scared, at times alone, i am hurt but this can change, it will right?
Wednesday 24 September 2014
Battle scars
Monday 8 September 2014
Brilliance of early morning
Good morning to one an all x
This is my favourite time of day, the positive side of me sees each new sun rise as a new potential, and as yet nothing has ruined that.
30 mins later ....
Nothing so much as happened but my friend from up north, dick the brain devil, has woken up and is screaming 'why did you fucking do that'. Im quite sure i dont deserve this treatment so am going to try and ignore him, silent treatment sometimes works right!
On the daily commute to work ... Always full of loud perky college students, and the not so perky adults who often plan to use this time as a thirty minute cat nap! I hate taking a bus for several reasons and therefore not the best set up for the day. The main two is the fact they are ALWAYS late ... My ocd cant deal with that and i always end up being overly paranoid im going to be late for work even though i always get there early! The second is that you lose all concept of personal space, or in that fact senerity.
These may seem like little things and maybe i should let them go, but then again i cant from worrying its going to happen all over again tomorrow.
Now that i have been moaning for five minutes and after a cheeky stare at the hot guy on the bus, feeling less like a ball of panic, more like a normalton.
Have also decided i am going to try a new approach to work today, if i cant control it then why worry about it. Let the 9 hours of immense stress that i cause myself go and just do what i can ... Will let you know how i get on later.
Sunday 7 September 2014
Dear a lost friend ...
Six months ago, I lost the one remaining friends I hadn't deterred through my insane actions. She was my best friend, she was a whirlwind, she understood me like many others cant. She was my best friend and she gave up on me.
The day that it all crashed and burned will always be with me, over time i hope it will hurt less, but for now, I still find it incredibly hard to recall. It started so well, a nice day in the sunny new forest, wine (or course), good food and some great company with my bestie. the evening plan was to go to a mates house and relax for the evening. Now from what i recall, it was all going swimmingly, until about one in the morning, where the OAP in me fell asleep mid way through conversation (How Very Rude!). My bestie took offense to this and decided she wanted to go home, let me rephrase that, she wanted to drive home after two bottles of red wine. THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, NOT ON MY LIFE.
This was the start of the end, I chased her out into the street and tried to convince her that this was not a great idea! She was still determined, it had got to the point where I had to try and physically restrain her from getting in her car (I am not proud of my behaviour but needs must at the time). The result of this, is that she hit, scratched and punched me into submission, I still have the scars from this attack and not only mentally. I am not saying this is all her fault, in fact despite what my therapist says I will always take the blame, if only I had the control to behave myself. In saying that I am a peace with the fact I would rather have taken the pain than her get in the car and cause an immeasurable amount of pain to herself and others.
I think what haunts me the most, is the aftermath, she immediately cut ties and place the blame at my door, without even a apology, instead noting that it was inevitable. For me this means that her hate had been growing and I must be a horrible person. we see each other at work everyday and although it has got easier, it still hurts like crazy, we still connect and know what went on, surely this isn't healthy.
Today is her birthday and all i want, even now, is for her to be happy. I wonder if she thinks the same?
I get the impression she is, maybe that's because i gave up everything to accommodate her, my friends, my hopes. I dont sit with my friends, because she knew them first, i dont go to social events, so that it won't be awkard. Everyday i still ask why i do this, i dont know, i know it needs to change, because i dont owe her anything. Maybe she happy, because she is without the burden that I bring.
I probably sound bitter and I'm sorry if this is the case, but I need to draw a line and let what happened go.
She is never going to be someone i can trust, and as much as she helped me to get through the darkest days, in a way she also prolonged my suffering. I hate myself for what happened, and my depression has loved that.
I have now managed to distance myself from all those that would give a fuck about how i am, problem with that is that it makes it easier to give up, no matter how much I fight everyday.
In conclusion, Happy Birthday to my lost friend, thanks for teaching me compassion, empathy, pain, love, laughter, fun, pain again, loss, acceptance, strength,acceptance and even happiness.
Onwards and upwards I say .... time to set sail on a new adventure ... LuckyA247 xx
Thursday 4 September 2014
Kicking and Screaming
I did this at work today and am slightly ashamed about it but I cant feel enough to blame myself, I blame no one, it is just life. The last few days have been (for want of a stronger phrase) mind blowing crap, partly that is due to work and the nature of insurance and partly that is becaus the black clouds rolling in.
Most of my frustration has stemmed from being a perfectionist and the fear of not wanting to make a mistake. The other is that no matter what I do, I cant seem to get rid of this depressive opinion that either things will not work out right and that I will always be the fall guy for this. This may not be realistic but that's the game we play.
So on to the strop, a result of several months of frustration, the thought that why do I bother when others don't care, was late going home for the hundred time (and when i say late, average is about 20+ (no pay!) minutes) and I just had enough. I should of been out of there, but my stupid brain told me to stay to deal with something, even though I was only ask to do a small favour two hour previous. Do I just admit defeat, no but do others, yeah, so why do I bother?
I bother because as much as my depression brings me down, the very nature of it also has pride and wants to make sure its in control, no matter what the situation. its almost like being a duck, your feet may be flapping wildly under water trying not to succumb to the dark murky waters, but on top your look serine and in control, that is until you are disturb enough to react and show your sinister side.
My sinister side has showed in the last few days but maybe that's a good thing, and her is why:
a - I can recognise that I am falling prey to my darker depression and need to act
b - I still shows I care in the smallest corner of my mind
and c - when you get that clue that is too loud to ignore, you know yourself and where your at for once in your life.
I know it is easy to express it on here, because lets face it who is going to sit up and take notice, but i think what has caused me to question the point, does anyone care? I tried talk to a superior at work, who knows my history, and lets just say she was 'busy' (i.e. not up for another dreary talk about my crap). I tried to talk to someone else, just saying I was stressed was told, ' your actually quite lucky in the scheme of things and it just about changing how to you think, and you can do that, its not too hard'.
yeah cause really I have been accepting this depression for nearly 13 years and its really easy to snap out of it. Depression is not a choice and as much as I or anyone tries, the perspective of the suffering within the world doesn't come into account at that moment (that said, of course I am not ignorant enough to not know that there are many millions who suffer more ). Of course I am aware of the world's suffering, and i wish that would stop but comparing my battles does not work, not because its is worse because it is a completely different entity.
My point, I guess, is that I can go down kicking and screaming, I could go down silent with no one knowing and really the person who would suffer the most is me. Others would be relieved, others would think, it was inevitable, others would get over it. but with each mistake or unstable step I take, the more I wonder if I am ever heading to the yellow brick road to find a heart, brain or courage.
Sunday 31 August 2014
Full steam ahead ..... crash bang wallop .... pain
I just started watching an episode of without a trace and realised it was skipping, thus making me unaware of some important context, thus making me confused about what is going on and where the missing person is!
Then I realised what a neat metaphor this is to life,if you skip ahead you miss out, and worst
of all you don't know where you are or where you meant to be going.
I tend to skip ahead, or try to at the earliest opportunity but I tend to end up failing big style. What i don't like taking is baby steps, I never see the point until it is too late. maybe it is just that I think I should be able to handle going full throttle without the need of a brake and crash mat. This is what 'happy, normal and carefree' people can do right? Problem is... I can't do this, and not really sure I ever will be able to.
So these are the options I generally take a) a don't go at all in fear of failure (this fear is overwhelming) or b) or I will go a million miles an hour and then crash and burn at the first sign of trouble. This is the option I would like to take - going at a steady speed, probably just over the speed limit and achieve to my potential, if I gain happiness, love and some resemblance of normality along the way, that would be just lovely.
All the times I have dived right into a challenge, I meet a snake and slide down the path of darkness. all the time I do this, I miss out on learning about life and finding ways of coping with it. I hate that I do this, because now i am clueless, I've missed some context and don't know how to fill the gaps.
I'm going to have to start again, and this time take one step at a time, if I cant do this, I am never going to accept what I deserve, I'm never going to leave my black cloud behind.
If anyone has any ideas of how to do this, please let me know!
Thanks
LuckyA247 xx